Here Comes the Fucking Sun

This entry may take some time to complete, as my horrific body has been harmed.

I, The Glorious and Malignant Homunculus, have just returned from an outing. I was led by chains and collars (yes, several!) by my masters into the larger and exponentially horrible world around me. I did not know what droll, unimportant topic I would be researching at first. But now I do.

THE SUN
FUCKING
SUCKS.

Did you get all that, or did the shite in your eyes cloud things?

THE SUN. IT FUCKING SUCKS.

Firstly, I was unaccustomed to the harmful rays it emits EVERYWHERE. My living space is a cramped, dark, cold den of claustrophobic self-loathing. Here, let me assist your crippled short-term memory and remind you that DARK is the operative adjective in play, here. THE SUN IS FUCKING BLINDING. Literally! I was instructed not to stare at it, or else my eyes would be BURNED OUT OF THEIR FUCKING SOCKETS. How am I supposed to research this daemonic entity when I cannot even observe the bloody thing! So, instead, I attempted to record its effects in the surrounding area – the sky. AND GUESS HOW FUCKING BRIGHT IT WAS.

Well, if you had to guess, I’d say it’s brighter than you, dear reader.

Fucking NINCOMPOOP.

My eyes bled their own special blood, clear and full of salt, from the sustained beating that was the sun’s. I averted them, stumbling half-blind as suddenly I began noticing a phenomenon most occult! It would seem that my contact with the sun, however brief, resulted in my INFECTION by body-less PHANTOMS. They invaded the space between my eyes and my mind, and haunted my vision when I had none! Around they floated, always jumping away when my decrepit pupils would try to follow them! My eyelids, stretched disgustingly tight over my eyes, could not blot out their existence, and yet their raising swept nothing away but my naivete! No matter where I found my gaze resting, THE PHANTOMS PERSISTED.

It was at this juncture that I noticed the general composition of the black people around me had changed slightly since the morning hours, when I arrived at my alarmingly pungent location. Making note of this, I was able to discover that as the day went on, the average length of a black person would change. In an attempt to explain or correlate this occurrence, my thoughts drifted perchance to the haunting PHANTOMS once more. Surely these malevolent forces were working in tandem! Their actions were not concurrent with the laws governing this lumpy, ugly, three-dimensional world. Perhaps the source was, indeed, the flaming daemon in the sky?

It would seem so! For the sun, that damnable foe, had been moving slowly across its sickeningly blue domain. And as smaller torches affected black people in my previous study, so should the sun!

Noting this connection, I also swore off ANY LIGHT SOURCE I could not control as well as a torch, for it was obviously SUNBORNE and EVIL.

Just as I began making the painfully ingenious discovery that the forces of black magic were the result of the BRIGHTEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER SEEN, I found my efforts had not gone uncontested.

THEY FUCKING BURNT ME.

AHHHHHH BY THE SHRIVELED HAND OF THE DEAD GOD, THEY FUCKING COOKED ME ALIVE!

I found my skin, normally a stomach-turning shade of beige so sick it looks grey, alarmingly RED. As the day went on, it pulsated with PAIN. My skin was full of RED PAIN. I pleaded with my masters, I begged for escape, and by the time those buffoons were able to collide enough neurons to obey my words, it was too late! I climbed back into my cellar as fast as I could, aided in speed by the shoving hands and boots of my keepers, but the darkness held no reprieve! My skin was ETERNALLY SCORTCHED. Harmed and fouled, wronged all over my entire fucking body!

I WAS RAPED BY THE SUN.

The absence of all light did NOTHING to heal my withered flesh! It only grew more painful, and more RED. It pulsated a warning to NEVER GO OUTSIDE AGAIN, for that is the domain of the SUN. My skin! Dear unholy fuck, my skin!

WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL ME THIS COULD HAPPEN.

Restricted to only the glow of my outdated and inefficient computer, I was able to painstakingly – with emphasis on the PAIN – research more about this arch-nemesis of mine. Well, you intellectually-handicapped abortion-gone-wrong, it’s time to play GUESS WHAT again!

Guess what: The sun sustains nearly all life on the planet.

GRRAGGHHRAGGHH FUCK I HATE IT EVER MORE.

Without that FLAMEBEAST, your plants could not photosynthesize and make the world so REVOLTINGLY GREEN. Monochromatic BITCH, that mother nature is! And without these obtrusive PLANTS in the way of EVERY FUCKING THING, EVER, all your pesky, putrid VERMIN and ANIMALS and RATS would die! Without them, the chain continues – though I know you don’t know it! Because you don’t know ANYTHING, dear reader. You’re probably having this READ ALOUD TO YOU by an AIDE in a HOME for the MENTALLY RETARDED.

Without the sun, YOU WOULD DIE, and my SKIN WOULDN’T HURT. I could look around without CRYING. Not just because there is no harmful UV RADIATION, but because there is no you.